What High Functioning Depression Feels Like

Today I woke up, exercised, brushed my teeth, flossed, showered and headed out to work like any other day. But something was off today, everything felt off. I drove to work like it was any other day, harboring an inner feeling of emptiness and isolation.

I pulled into the parking lot of my workplace, I had a few minutes before I had to clock in. I let the music play while I thought about what the hell I was going to do after I graduate college.

Is this it, is this what a quarter life crisis is?

Here are some thoughts I had a few minutes before work:

There’s something wrong with me, I’m so anxious and alone and I don’t know what to do and I feel like nobody understands me anymore and I don’t want to go to work but I need to clock in now, fuck I’m going to be late because I’m fucked in the head, I’m such a fucking idiot.

I walked into work and clocked in, just like any other day. I said hi to my coworkers like it was any other day. I began my morning work routine, the phone at the front of the store rang.

I began to tense up, my social anxiety was acting up, something was deeply troubling me. I handled everything fine on the call, but I got nervous on the phone doing something I’ve done for years. I couldn’t say the word “minutes” near the end of the call, even though I totally know that I’m capable of saying the word when nobody is around. I apologized for my embarrassing stutter and after I hung up the phone I uttered out the words, almost involuntarily, “Fuck I should kill myself”. Something was terribly wrong.

Nobody was around to hear my suicidal ideation, so there was no harm done. My secret was safe, my misery locked away behind a mask of routine gestures. Basic pleasantries were exchanged with customers and with coworkers, but a malaise had set in that I couldn’t shake.

I used all the strategies that helped me with mental illness in the past. I would try to focus on my reality moment to moment, to breathe deeply, and to take some time here and there to myself to keep my mind and body grounded in the present moment. However, my anxiety would not allow me to have as much peace as I have enjoyed in past weeks.

I could not stop thinking about how graduation was coming up in two months, and how I still didn’t know what I wanted to do. If I was more extroverted and less socially anxious, then I could be anything I wanted. But the problem is me, it’s who I am, it’s my social anxiety, my nervousness around people that impedes my ability to function.

Despite all this anxiety, I have come far.

I will be graduating and this will be quite an achievement, regardless of what path I decide to take for my career. I can do anything I want after college, and that means I can switch things up and do anything I want from there on out. It’s a lot to think about and it was troubling me to my core.

I navigated my workday without incident, nobody knew I was empty inside. I smiled and laughed with my coworkers, I exchanged jokes with my boss. I clocked out, said goodnight, and drove home like it was any other day.

I went home and I sat in my room and I knew that this was not any other day.

Not wanting to be a burden to my friends and loved ones, I isolated myself and pursued other passions like reading, writing, and my education. But are these the right pursuits? Have I been setting realistic goals for myself? Will happiness ever be sustainable? Will the constant threat of mental illness continue to impede my functioning in day to day life? These are all existential questions to me.

My mind races with constant thoughts. I must figure this out, or else I will fail. But what is failure? And how do I define success?

Despite all of the uncertainties of the future and my malaise, I will go to sleep tonight and I will wake up tomorrow. I will exercise and I will go to work, and I will have to keep living another day. This is what high functioning depression feels like.

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